got to be an eagle today.

    really?

yep. american bald eagle, actually. soared the whole merrimack valley, saw all the animals scurrying in the snow. it was really spectacular, man, especially in the morning haze. saw you taking J.D. to driving school too. just off andover street, right?

that was you? ha! i had a feeling that was you. wow. so how does it work? do you get to pick what you want to be everyday? or—

no, it’s actually a lot different than i had imagined. heaven’s not like some big amusement park where you walk around chumming it up with socrates and jesus like in the movies, you actually don’t get to choose at all. you blink your eyes and you’re an eagle, you blink your eyes and you’re connected to everything that’s happening and that has ever happened. i’ve been a tree, i’ve felt the blood of the earth crawl into my limbs and reach for the sun. it’s marvelous, man

wow… but wait, no shooting the shit with hemmingway? ha! i thought you’d make a hell of an impression!

ha! no hemmingway. but check this out—
from 7–12 pm every day i am 5 years old again.
it’s strange, i’m with my parents, they’re alive,
i’m playing under the table in the kitchen,
it’s beautiful, man… nobody is sick

crazy... so you are time traveling!?

not quite. time is less linear here, it’s like a big loop of everything that’s is and has been, circulating, moving. sometimes i’m in the present, sometimes the past, sometimes the future… sometimes, i’m carrying a burden, like propping up a 747 in turbulence over the atlantic:

wink wink

   huh? wait, what!? that was you!? i didn’t know you had passed yet, man. god, i was praying like a madman for my daughter’ sake!

i see you’re praying now? ha!

no seriously. my mother-in-law and my sponsor Jimmy said a prayer for us too. the whole time i swear i could feel something— i had this vivid image of the plane in the storm and i imagined these giant blue and pink bows stuck to the wings of the plane, lifting us up, but it was you, you son of a gun, thank you. you were always there for me, man…

anytime.

i don’t know how to repay you. sometimes i feel like i failed you. you know, i should have kicked in the door that time when you didn’t answ—

stop.

there is only love, man … (quieter) there is only love.

(we both pause)

so you’ve seen the future, huh?

john, smiling wide through the phone now:

yes.